Fred & Hank Mark America

Traveler Profile: The Car

When many of you heard about this trip, your first question was what we would be driving. Some expected we'd get an RV, some suspected an SUV. But, like we did in 2003, we wanted to keep it simple. So we're bringing my car, a 2007 Acura RL. So, meet our chariot.

I was going to profile the car before any of the living beings, but the day before I was going to post this, I realized I didn't have a picture of the car. And right as Joan was gearing up to take this picture, a bird apparently exploded over my car, covering it with something that was hard to identify. So after a crew at our local car wash fought valiantly to remove every trace of this mystery substance, we were able to get this photo. The car is spotless and seemingly unaware of the chaos that awaits it.

The reason we decided to bring a car that seems small for the task is flexibility: If you have an RV, you have height clearance issues and driving in cities is extremely hard. In you have an SUV, you become a scourge of the green movement. On top of that, taking a smaller car enforces some packing discipline. We can only take what fits in the car, and that forces some tough decisions, which we've been making for days.

Now, I've never been one to treat my car as a person. I don't have a name for it, I don't talk to it, I don't dress it up with bumper stickers or other stuff. It's a car, and I want it to do one thing and one thing only: Reliably get me where I want to go. And, as anyone who has an Acura knows, its cars achieve that wonderfully.

On to the key points: the toys. On the 2003 trip, our car did have a very early version of built-in navigation. While it had great detail in cities, there were other small areas -- like, say, Montana -- where it had virtually nothing except U.S. interstates and routes. Nowadays, the nav is far superior, with strong detail pretty much across the board. I recently bought an updated DVD for the nav, so we should be pretty current.

We also have Bluetooth, a great invention that allows us to talk on the phone and broadcast the conversation to the whole car without ever touching the phone. Just think about it: There was once a day where a passenger had to suffer the boredom of listening to one end of someone else's phone conversation. We've now replaced that with the excruciating experience of having to hear both ends. Ah, technology.

Another major step forward: We now have XM Radio. On the first trip, you could drive through entire states and not be able to pick up a decent radio station (unless you like religious programming). We had a CD player, of course, and used that 90 percent of the time.

But maybe the biggest improvement is the built-in iPod connector we now have. In 2003, we brought like 100 CDs, but our six-CD player was in the trunk, so changing music was very, very hard. Fast forward to today, and we'll be bringing all 10,000 of our songs on a device smaller than my wallet. Amazing.

The car also has a back-up camera, which comes in handy at home, where a beagle has sometimes been known to wander behind our cars in the driveway. This probably will have less use on this trip, but you never know.

To close the traveler profiles, let's bow our heads in memory of the car we used on the 2003 trip, which we traded in about two years after our return. Its current whereabouts are unknown, but we thank it for doing such a great job back in '03, even if Joan kept calling it my "grandpa car."

Next: Departure -- finally -- and a Day 1 report.

Traveler Profile: Jim

It's really hard to write about yourself, but I have to admit, it does have its advantages. So, without further ado, meet Jim.

As you have probably realized by now, this is not a current picture of me. It's from like 10 years ago. The subsequent years have been rough on me, and this is how I currently look:

 Now, I'm sure you're saying to yourself, wow, that's quite a big drop off. But, to get the proper perspective, it'd be useful for you to see how I looked when I was five.

I'm not kidding. That's really me. Sigh. Needless to say, I was unable to keep possession of my lunch money on any day until I got to college. But, as you can see from the most recent photo of me, I've managed to find plenty of places to spend my lunch money -- and breakfast money and dinner money -- over the past 20 years. More on that later...

A little background on me: I've been a journalist my entire professional life. I started as a part-time sportswriter at The Washington Post in 1987, when I was a sophomore at American University. I stayed in that role for the better part of eight years before I heard the call of the Web, and joined The Post's digital division in 1995. I was part of the team that launched The Post on a thankfully short-lived proprietary platform called Interchange.

After we scrapped this effort, we sprinted to the web and launched washingtonpost.com on June 19, 1996. This, coincidentally, was also the first day a reporter at the paper complained about the home page play of their story.

I stayed at post.com until 1999, when I left to chase my fortune at America Online. I didn't find that financial fortune, but found personal fortune when I met Joan, who was heading up the Research & Analysis division there. We discovered that, although we both worked way out in the boonies in Dulles, we lived only about 200 yards from each other in McLean Gardens in D.C. We started hanging out, though Joan was quick to tell me at every opportunity that she didn't date at the office. But, like a bad case of poison ivy, she found it hard to ignore me, and eventually, she caved.

From a professional standpoint, I learned a tremendous amount about the non-editorial pieces of running a Web site at AOL. It was after I left in 2003 that Joan and I decided to hit the road for Fred Takes America.

I got incredibly lucky to get hired back by The Post in late 2004 as executive editor of washingtonpost.com, and had the best years of my career in that job. I resigned back in December, largely because the structural changes that come with newsroom integration were going to make my job less interesting and challenging. Of course, the road was also calling again.

When we first decided to travel in 2003, it really was something Joan, Fred and I just wanted to experience alone. I had no intention of writing about it. But, a few weeks before we left, I decided to dust off the writing skills that had atrophied while serving in management. Joan's reaction was simple and clear: "That's a stupid idea." She forbade me from putting any of her friends and family on the  list for my daily e-mail. And, for a while, she was right. It took a week or so to find the voice, but eventually, it caught on and I was adding between 20-25 people to the distro every day. By the time the trip ended, about 1,500 were getting the daily report, and that didn't include the pass-alongs to family and friends. Joan's resistance lasted only a week or so, until her friends and family inquired about why they were not receiving these updates as well.

My major roles on the last trip -- which will be reprised for Fred & Hank Mark America -- were planning and driving. I do all the driving for two major reasons:

1) I'm very relaxed when I'm driving, and it gives me all sorts of time to think about stuff, such as what I want to do professionally when this journey is over.

2) I'm not relaxed when Joan is driving.

The differences in our driving styles cannot be understated. I drive like I'm already 10 minutes late to wherever I'm going (and I usually am). Joan drives with the urgency of Perry Como on downers. So I will be behind the wheel for almost all of our trip.

The goal this time is no speeding tickets. I got two on the last trip, one in eastern Oregon (a photo of that stop is one of the photos featured in the Joan profile) and one -- lucky me -- in my home state of Virginia. I hoped and prayed that Oregon didn't have reciprocity with Virginia, but of course, it did. So, upon my return, I was required to go take a test to show that I understood basic traffic rules. It was the easiest test I've ever taken, largely because knowledge of driving rules was never the issue. I was just driving too goddamn fast.

On this trip, however, I'd really prefer to stay clean, as I have not received a speeding ticket since 2003. I just have to keep telling myself that cruise control is my friend, and not a tool used by people who hate variety in life.

The other major goal for me is a serious one: I have to lose weight on this trip. I've never been svelte, but I put on a lot of beef over the past few years, and I'm now weighing in at 248 pounds. My goal is to drop 15 pounds on this trip. That won't get me where I need to be, but it'll get me halfway. I plan on reporting in here on what I'm eating (and my nutritionist is getting this e-mails) and I'll weigh in every few days.

Now, Joan -- being the sweetheart she is -- has decided that everyone else on the trip should report their weight as a show of support. Now, a cynical person -- thankfully, I'm not one -- might think Joan is being this open because, well, she's thin. But I think it's a nice gesture, so here's the current weight of the trip:

• Jim: 248 pounds
• Joan: 142 pounds (she's aiming for a return weight of 134)
• Fred: 33.5 pounds
• Hank: 26.1 pounds

Now, off to pack the car, and get on the road. I'm auto-publishing the traveler profile of the car later this afternoon. 

Next: The Car

Traveler Profile: Joan

Now, on to the humans. Yes, I realize many of you will react to the discussion of the human travelers the same way we all react at a concert when the band says it wants to play something from its new album. But, humor us, and act like you care about us as well.

Anyway, for those who have not already, meet Joan.

Yes, she now has an official glam photo. Let's just say that Joan's approach to the 2009 trip is a bit different than 2003. Back then, we threw a handful of t-shirts, jeans, shorts and cropped pants into a suitcase and took off. Joan didn't care what kind of clothing she was photographed in or how her hair looked. That's because she thought my idea of writing a travelogue was stupid, and no one would read it, and hence, no one would see the pictures. Alas, by the time we ended the trip, the e-mail was going to more than a thousand people, and Joan's casual -- and I'm being nice here -- approach to trip fashion was known to the world. In fact, she was receiving fashion tips from friends, family and complete strangers. When you spend all your time with me, and you're getting chastised for your fashion, you have truly hit rock bottom.

Fast forward to 2009: Joan is packing differently, to put it mildly. I'm still not sure when she'll need an evening gown, but I suspect we'll be bringing one. The hair equipment alone will probably take up more room than either dog.

A lot has changed in Joan's life and career since the 2003 trip. At that time, she'd done two years of  post-AOL life, and was looking for the next career challenge. Soon after leaving AOL, she'd started tutoring kids in foster care in DC, and discovered that the kids really lit up when their pictures were taken, mostly because -- unlike kids whose every move is chronicled by family -- these kids don't have families who make that same commitment. So Joan started doing more and more photography, and started taking pictures of friends' children as well. When we went on our 2003 trip, photography seemed to take an even greater hold on her. Here are a few of her pictures from the trip:

 

It was on the trip that Joan decided that if her friends wanted her to take pictures of their kids, maybe complete strangers would pay her for the privilege. And she was right. She started Joan Brady Photography in April 2004, and has built it into a profitable business.

On top of the business, Joan still does a ton of work with kids in foster care, most notably with Fairfax Families4Kids. And she's now in her seventh year of mentoring a young man in DC. Her efforts with Fairfax Families4Kids -- specifically her touring photo show -- netted her articles in The Washington Post (I hear that's a good paper) and the local Sun-Gazette weekly. She was also featured on WAMU locally, and you can find those clips here. She's done a terrific job building awareness for this program, run by the wonderful Beverly Howard, and Joan has an amazing ability to connect with the children she works with.

For those who read these missives in 2003, this new portrait may be hard to reconcile with the McGriddle-obsessed Joan who shed her sweetness when it came time to negotiate any hotel rate with whatever poor sonofabitch was on the other end of the phone. The series of questions would go something like this:

• Do you have a AAA rate?
• Do you have an American Express rate?
• Do you have any other specials that I don't know about but should be asking about?

Amazingly, the answer to this last question was usually "yes," and the conversation would go something like this.

• Poor sucker on other end: "Well... There's a manager's special."
• Joan: "Great, how do we get that rate?"
• Poor sucker: "You have to get the manager's approval."
• Joan: "Can I speak to the manager?"
• Poor sucker: "I am the manager."
• Joan: "Can we get the manager's rate?"
• Poor sucker: "Uh, yes."

And just when you thought it was over, the tigress Joan was right back at it. "Is there any other way to bring the room rate down?" The rash of resignations of small U.S. hotel managers in 2003 was directly related to Joan.

The McGriddle was another Joan obsession for the first half of the trip. The daily race to make it to McDonald's in time for breakfast became a trip theme. Personally -- and this will shock anyone who knows me -- I found the McGriddle repulsive, but petite Joan devoured them like a lion on a gazelle. This unhealthy -- and I mean that in every possible way -- obsession finally wound down, and I don't believe Joan has eaten a McGriddle in six years.

Joan also provided some of the funniest moments of the trip. Here are two, pulled from the original 2003 posts:

The "Ball Balm" Incident, Estes Park, Colo.
"As we're leaving [a Fred vet appointment], the vet recommends we stop at a pharmacy to buy some balm for Fred's paw. By the time we arrive at the store, we have forgotten the name, but remember it started with a "B." We brainstorm, and think we remember, so Joan walks into a store and asks for some "ball balm." After seeing the pharmacist's stunned look, Joan realized what she's just asked for is probably only sold in "special" parts of town. "You mean 'Bag Balm?" the woman asks. "Uh, yes, " says Joan, who takes the balm and leaves as quickly as possible."

The Pants Incident, somewhere on the Kansas Turnpike
"So we're cruising down I-70 and approaching Topeka when Joan notices a problem. Turns out that Fred, who has been sitting on her lap for a while, has indicated his need to go to the bathroom by leaving a small sample of doo-doo on Joan's jeans. Now, sadly, this is not the first time this has happened on the trip -- meaning both birds and dogs have pooped on Joan -- so Joan decides the answer is to spray a little of the citrus air freshener on the stain to kill the smell until we can stop and she can change. However, things go from bad to worse as this acidic citrus spray goes right through Joan's jeans and creates a burning allergic reaction. Now in pain, Joan decides the only answer is to remove her jeans as we're cruising down the highway to tend to her injury. Just as she gets the jeans down around her ankles, a problem: we're approaching a tollbooth for the Kansas Turnpike and we are carrying a passenger with no pants. Fearing Joan is taking our approach toward "The Show-Me State" of Missouri a tad too literally, I toss a blanket to her to cover up. This process continues right through Topeka, as we continue to pass tollbooths and a ton of truckers with excellent vantage points. Finally, after 30 minutes of pain (if you were Joan) and hilarity (if you were me), we finally get someplace where it is convenient for Joan to change. By the way, she said it was OK to write this. :-)"

One other note about Joan: She never wanted dogs. But I did, and she finally caved in 2002 when we got Fred. She did, however, make the unfortunate mistake of assuming that, while I was at work, Fred would patiently wait in the corner to be trained. (Let me use this as a cheap way to insert a picture of Fred at eight weeks).

Anyway, Fred didn't wait for me to get home to start doing things that required training. So Joan took on training. And feeding. And walking. And everything. Despite it all, she became a dog person in about 10 minutes. Of the two of us, she was more of the driving force behind getting Hank.

She also hates it when I publish photos of her sleeping.

Next: Jim

Traveler Profile: Fred

Today, we profile Fred, the world's oldest-looking six-year-old beagle.

For those of you who followed this journey in 2003, you'll recall Fred was just a puppy then. Spry and energetic, Fred became the star of the trip. Readers of this daily missive were polite enough to wait about a week before asking us to stop including any photos of ourselves, and just include pictures of Fred. By the time the '03 trip -- entitled Fred Takes America -- ended, this e-mail was going to so many folks that we had a party at our house so our readers could meet Fred. As you can imagine, he was just a tad spoiled.

Life has been a little rougher on Fred since the end of the last trip. First off, there was the boredom factor. After seeing hundreds of America's natural treasures, being fed junk food and spending all of his time with us, we returned home, dumped Fred on the couch, and went back to our lives. So after four months of seeing something new every day, Fred had to settle for looking out our front window and barking at every car, jogger, deer or pedestrian that went by.

It was Fred's boredom that largely led us to get Hank. As I alluded to Monday, that effort initially backfired, as their rough yard play led to Fred coming inside one day holding one leg in the air. Diagnosis: torn ACL. This led to surgery and three months of rehab.

We were told early on that when a beagle blows out one ACL, there's a 50-50 shot the other one will eventually go. And, Fred, being the obedient beagle he is, obliged. About a month after Fred was fully recovered from the first ACL surgery, he blew the other one. Wash, rinse, repeat. So there was another surgery, another rehab, another hoodie.

In fact, when he blew out the second knee, he needed two surgeries. One to repair the damage, and other to remove the pins in the plate that were needed to hold the knee together until it healed. All told, Fred spent the better part of a year crippled, and somewhat depressed.

Finally, in late 2008, Fred's knees seemed back in working order, though he couldn't sit directly on his hind legs (look at the top picture here to see what I mean) and occasionally came in from some yard play holding a leg up in the air. But then his back starting giving him problems, and he started getting gimpy again. By then, the total cost of Fred's medical woes were at a level that left us somewhere between the "boy, they love that dog" and "those people are insane" range.

Then, his physical therapist -- yes, his physical therapist -- suggested canine acupuncture. Yes, canine acupuncture. You can now wipe off the coffee you just spit on your computer screen. When this was first proposed, we scoffed too. But when your dog is in constant pain, anything sounds worth trying. So Joan took Fred to acupuncture, and he got better. And every time she took him, he got even better. Fred's now had about 10 acupuncture appointments, and I swear, he's a new dog. He's running around like crazy, wants to chase toys all the time and has shown a lot more interest in Hank. So we leave here with Fred in the best shape -- physically and mentally -- than he's been in since we arrived home in 2003. And he doesn't even know we're taking a trip yet. And, yes, Joan has been scouting for where we can bring Fred along the way to get him acupuncture tune-ups.

I mentioned yesterday that Hank is not the brains of the operation, though he's a sweetheart. Fred is definitely the brains, though he's definitely more spoiled than Hank. He's a nice dog, don't get me wrong, and he gets crazy excited whenever we get home and doesn't go much farther than five feet away from me when I'm home. But he's definitely not as slavish as Hank. 

Now, those of you who followed the 2003 trip might wonder about that "brains of the operation" comment, recalling Fred's strange desire to attack the windshield wipers from inside the car.

That said, I once consciously bought an Iron Maiden album, so we all have our moments.

Indeed, Fred is pretty smart for a beagle, a breed not too high on the list of smart dogs. In fact, I don't think beagles actually made the list. That said, Fred has a beagle's ability to get to food wherever it may reside, learned to lean into turns during the last car trip and knows about 10 times as many words as Hank. He's an academic compared to Hank.

 
Anyway, here are a few Fred pics from the last trip:

Next: Joan

Traveler Profile: Hank

Over the next few days, I'll be writing up short profiles of the five intrepid travelers that will be hitting the road later this week: Hank, Fred, Joan, Jim and -- last, but not least -- the car. We start with the newest addition to this cast, Hank.

We're lucky to have Hank. In fact, anyone is lucky to have Hank. We adopted Hank a little more than a year ago from a beagle rescue that had picked him up from a shelter outside Richmond the night before he was to be put down. (And, yes, the shelter probably tells everyone that sob story to light a fire under whatever tookus needs motivation, but it's a good story nonetheless).

We decided to get a second dog largely because we felt like Fred needed a playmate. Fred -- like his male owner -- had gotten a bit paunchy, and we thought getting a rambunctious pal would help improve his health. This worked for about a week, as the beagles were playing together in the yard, chasing balls and generally getting along well. Alas, it was too good to be true, as Fred couldn't handle the fact he was doing something active for the first time in a while, and blew out an ACL in his knee (yes, dogs do have them too). That was soon followed by his blowing out the other ACL. But more on that tomorrow. Now, back to Hank:

We don't know how old Hank is; we think he's about 2. We know nothing about Hank's first year, except that was pretty horrible. When he came to us, he was unbelievably skittish, especially where I was concerned. He was terrified of me from the start, though only when I was standing over him or walking toward him. If I was laying on the couch -- which has been known to happen -- he had no issue. Hank also has never appreciated the loud, profane outbursts that tend to occur when I'm watching Jets games. Like me, the mere mention of the word "Favre" terrifies him. Hank is always aware of the shortest path to the dog door, and any sudden noise sends him scrambling through it. He then likes to poke his head back in the door to make sure the coast is clear before re-entering.

The good news: Hank is an incredibly sweet dog. He frequently curls up and sleeps right next to Joan, and we've never seen him bare his teeth or do anything remotely aggressive. He barks occasionally, but it barely registers. And like Fred, his loyalty can be bought with a treat.

The bad news: Hank ain't the brains of the operation. Joan estimates he knows three words: "Hank," "Treat," and "Food."And we're not positive about "Hank."

We have no idea how he'll handle this trip, since every time we put him in a car, he seems to think we're returning him to his previous life. As a result, he's shaking much of the time he's in the car. He's also gotten carsick a few times, so we'll have to see how that plays out. My guess: He'll be a wreck for a week or so, and then settle into the rhythm of the trip.

What we do know is that he'll love being with us all the time, especially Joan. He LOVES Joan. Probably because she hates Jets games as much as Hank.

Tomorrow: Fred, the Bionic Beagle